Heath Ledger Died Today

When I found out today that Heath Ledger died, I immediately used the "text many people at once" option on my cell phone and let most of my address book know about it.  Except for one person, everyone knew who he was, and everyone thought it really really sucked.  

I think the first thing that truly weirded me out about the whole thing is that according to the news, when he died I was taking a nap in my newly re-decorated guest room.  Just before I had fallen to sleep, I gazed across the futon at my BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN poster - so pleased with where I had placed it.  I was reminded of how I dressed up on Halloween 2006 as Enis, walking around trying to talk like Heath did.  His strong and silent intensity was one of the most memorable and moving performances I have ever seen.  Since then I have oftentimes felt like I was "trying" to be him when I would be out feeding my girlfriend's horses, swinging open the gate to her driveway, or carrying in all the Walmart bags my arms could take.  I dunno, I wonder if other lesbians have sometimes felt like that too, when it comes to good ole Enis.

I love 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU, and a few months ago sang "You're Just Too Good to Be True" on karaoke night, dedicating it my girlfriend and hoping I somewhat pulled it off the way Heath did in that movie.  Again, I think a big part of my attraction to him (besides him being fiercely handsome) is that if I was a guy, I'd want to be like him.  Of course I am referring to his characters, but I am pretty certain he brought a lot of himself into those roles.  You can't fake that shit - the super cool combination of him being confident, shy, romantic, guarded, sweet, tough...

So I am comforted in knowing that so many of my peers are just as affected by this as I am.  Perhaps it is because we can all remember when his career started, because he was only 28, because he had a kid, because he did so much for the gay community through his portrayal of Enis...  I did this when River Phoenix died, and Princess Diana too.  I may not have had posters of Heath, or had his photo as the wallpaper for my cell phone.  But for some odd reason I thought of him this afternoon before I laid down for my nap, something I will never be able to quite figure out.  

Anyway, I hope somehow he knows just how much he will be missed.