Heath Ledger Died Today

When I found out today that Heath Ledger died, I immediately used the "text many people at once" option on my cell phone and let most of my address book know about it.  Except for one person, everyone knew who he was, and everyone thought it really really sucked.  

I think the first thing that truly weirded me out about the whole thing is that according to the news, when he died I was taking a nap in my newly re-decorated guest room.  Just before I had fallen to sleep, I gazed across the futon at my BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN poster - so pleased with where I had placed it.  I was reminded of how I dressed up on Halloween 2006 as Enis, walking around trying to talk like Heath did.  His strong and silent intensity was one of the most memorable and moving performances I have ever seen.  Since then I have oftentimes felt like I was "trying" to be him when I would be out feeding my girlfriend's horses, swinging open the gate to her driveway, or carrying in all the Walmart bags my arms could take.  I dunno, I wonder if other lesbians have sometimes felt like that too, when it comes to good ole Enis.

I love 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU, and a few months ago sang "You're Just Too Good to Be True" on karaoke night, dedicating it my girlfriend and hoping I somewhat pulled it off the way Heath did in that movie.  Again, I think a big part of my attraction to him (besides him being fiercely handsome) is that if I was a guy, I'd want to be like him.  Of course I am referring to his characters, but I am pretty certain he brought a lot of himself into those roles.  You can't fake that shit - the super cool combination of him being confident, shy, romantic, guarded, sweet, tough...

So I am comforted in knowing that so many of my peers are just as affected by this as I am.  Perhaps it is because we can all remember when his career started, because he was only 28, because he had a kid, because he did so much for the gay community through his portrayal of Enis...  I did this when River Phoenix died, and Princess Diana too.  I may not have had posters of Heath, or had his photo as the wallpaper for my cell phone.  But for some odd reason I thought of him this afternoon before I laid down for my nap, something I will never be able to quite figure out.  

Anyway, I hope somehow he knows just how much he will be missed.

My Photo Negative

I have a guy friend who recently coined us as "photo negatives" of each other.  This was as a result of me introducing him on karaoke night as my "doppleganger".  I was try to use the definition meaning "someone who acts the same way as another person" (thank you wikipedia.com!).  But it also means "evil twin", so I like his moniker much better.

Perhaps it is because I am a woman who is comfortable with her masculine energy, and he is a man who is comfortable with his feminine energy.  Whatever the reason, we realized not too long after meeting one another three years ago that we had similarities that were almost eerie in nature.  Not just both liking guitar, astrology, and girls - I'm talking about really important things!  Like how we both need to keep lists, or we would go insane. How we organize our music and photos on the computer, down to the way we categorize it.  How we craft our own covers for the CDs we mix for our loved ones.  The challenges we encounter in our relationships.  The way we both struggle with making more time for writing, as much as we love it.  The way we can get so distracted and lose time, but at the same time not feel like we wasted our time at all...

The point of this posting?  I don't care if you are gay, straight, in-between, male, female, 21, 61, even Christian or Atheist.  You never know who you will connect with, and should not close yourself off to any options.  I am so glad that I met my "photo negative" at a time in my life when I was finally no longer trying to conform to society's rules of who I should be spending playtime with.  

For me, going through the frightening yet amazing process of coming out taught me that being authentic is one of the most crucial goals in life.  I notice I seek out others now who have spent time going through an equally difficult process of being Okay with themselves.  I guess that sounds a little snobby, but you really can't go back to living-two-lives, going-against-your-instincts, changing-yourself-for-others once you see what it's like to shed those nasty habits.  You want to surround yourself with others like that, and are able to be truthful and interesting and real in your friendships.  I could only have discovered my commonalities with this guy by being myself, him doing the same, and savoring the feeling of knowing We're Okay...

Today I Feel... Poopy

The Late Blooming Lesbian doesn't feel like writing something cute today. That's because I got my mind on the money and my money on the mind... (normally I'd look up a photo of Snoop Dog to go with that, but I don't even feel like doing that today).

Right after college (which was paid for by les parents) I married my now-ex-husband, and for pretty much 8 years I didn't have to worry too much about money.  Every month I would put money aside into our retirement accounts, some into savings, responsibly pay off any loans, set aside enough for us to go to the strip club... I have to admit that I was scared shitless to be on my own, when it came down to actually getting divorced.  I also have to admit that I got a nice amount of alimony for almost two years, and only recently began to feel the effects of not having that anymore.

I feel poopy, indeed, because at the moment I don't have enough money to live the way I "want to".  But you know what?  It is 5 degrees outside right now, and I have a home and a gas fireplace and I'm watching an episode of "The Ellen Degeneres Show" that I recorded using my Comcast DVR box.  I just drank a nice glass of wine, and am waiting for our buffalo burgers to cook.  I am wearing my warm and fuzzy Old Navy pj pants,  and just checked a text message on my cell phone.  You know what I don't have the money for?  To take my girlfriend out for sushi.  To buy a long-sleeved hoodie from the Soulflower catalogue.  To pull up the nasty rug in my living room and replace it with pergo.  You know what, I don't feel poopy... I feel ungrateful and spoiled!

When I am honest with myself I just want to make enough to pay my bills, donate to several nonprofits, and be able to treat myself and my loved ones without worrying about how I manage it.  I recently took my daughter to see a play version of "Aeosop's Fables", and I was reminded of the fable The Greedy Dog Who Loses His Bone.  The dog has a bone in his mouth, sees his reflection in a river and thinks it's another dog with a bone, and when he tries to get the other bone, he looses his own bone.  "The greedy may lose everything".  

Yes I am so generic and love the movie Juno

My girlfriend and I have only seen two movies together in the theater (well, without our kids that is) during the year we have been an item. The first was the new installment of "Spiderman" last summer, which was lame and scary.  The second was "Juno", which I am happy to report was 600,000x better than our first movie date experience.  I was so excited that the theater was totally packed when we saw - I live on the east side of Colorado Springs and let's just say it is not the coolest place on earth.  Seeing so many people enjoy an "indie" flick in generic-ville was inspiring!

Anyway, those kids in "Juno" were so awesome - why couldn't sweet dorks like them have existed in my high school to keep me company? Allison Janney played Juno's stepmom and was as delightful as always - she was in "Drop Dead Gorgeous" as Ellen Barkin's trailer trash hairdresser friend and took Kirsten Dunst to the national beauty pageant. She reminds me so much of my Polish aunts on my mom's side.  Lastly I just love to see Jason Bateman being all grown-up and admired for his acting talent.  I sometimes feel like I deserve a high five for having watched him on "Silver Spoons" when I was a kid, like somehow I knew he was going to be famous years later.  It took me forever to find this photo of him as a kid but there it is!  And he turned 39 just yesterday, how cool is that!

Oh, and I love the soundtrack to "Juno", buy it or download it and then learn to play "Anyone Else But You" by the Moldy Peaches on your guitar.  

How Michelle Pfeiffer could have us like putty in her hands...

I was taking a peek at the OurChart website (www.ourchart.com) and while swimming through the massive amount of lesbian commentary I found an entire forum about something very near and dear to my heart - Michelle Pfeiffer's performance in Grease 2, circa 1982.  It turns out I am not the only gal who formed her first childhood girl-crush on Stephanie Zinone!  As an eight year old I would lull myself to sleep with thoughts of Pfeiffer in her black leather biker outfit, me cruising up on my motorcycle to pick her up after school.  We'd sing the entire Grease 2 soundtrack together while she directed that smoldering gaze towards me.  Does Pfeiffer even know what a lesbian icon she is?  She should totally be the Mistress of Ceremony at as many 2008 PrideFests as possible!  What a career boost that would be, she would be ridiculous to not take advantage of this opportunity to connect with us.  Let me know if you would like to start a letter writing campaign to inform her of this collective consciousness of lesbians who lived for the sight of her dressed as a Christmas tree.

How the L-Word Led to My Divorce

The start of L-Word Season Five has led me to reflect upon how that show ultimately led to my divorce - and I would bet there are more than a few of you out there who know what I'm talking about.

Poetically enough it was the very first season of the show which brought about my inevitable breakup with my husband. We actually began to watch it together, both of us intrigued for our own separate reasons (okay, of course we were both were giddy with excitement at the prospect of seeing hot girls making out Showtime-style, as opposed to the Skin-a-Max flavor).

At first my ex-husband (aka "father of my child" - the more gentle descriptor I learned in Mom's House, Dad's House) was in it for the sex scenes. But sweetly enough FOMC was drawn in by the drama, so we had some of the most invigorating discussions of our marriage as we dished over the storylines.

Yet as the season drew on, my life freakishly began to reflect what transpired on screen. One evening I sat at my computer, feverishly pouring my deepest fears into my journal - Do I want to stay married? Am I a lesbian? When the hell is Erika going to leave her husband for me??? In the same room as I was FOMC, taking in the latest episode of L-Word. Of all the dumbass luck, Jenny was right there, on screen, typing feverishly on her computer about her straight-girl doubts. FOMC looked up at me, worry and realization on his face as he asked "Is that what you're writing about?" That night was the first time I ever told him so clearly and honestly "I think I might be a lesbian", and 3 months later he had moved out.

Oh L-Word, how many more late-blooming lesbians will you give birth to? At least three other LBL friends of mine ended up being able to admit they were gay once they made it through a season of L-Word. Am I claiming this melodrama should receive all credit for these, and many other, straight-identified women coming to their senses? Please, there are dozens of other pieces of media that will cross their paths, further increasing their certainty, further opening them up to the possibilities, further reassuring them You are not alone. But L-Word sure did make it more fun.