I think the first thing that truly weirded me out about the whole thing is that according to the news, when he died I was taking a nap in my newly re-decorated guest room. Just before I had fallen to sleep, I gazed across the futon at my BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN poster - so pleased with where I had placed it. I was reminded of how I dressed up on Halloween 2006 as Enis, walking around trying to talk like Heath did. His strong and silent intensity was one of the most memorable and moving performances I have ever seen. Since then I have oftentimes felt like I was "trying" to be him when I would be out feeding my girlfriend's horses, swinging open the gate to her driveway, or carrying in all the Walmart bags my arms could take. I dunno, I wonder if other lesbians have sometimes felt like that too, when it comes to good ole Enis.
I love 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU, and a few months ago sang "You're Just Too Good to Be True" on karaoke night, dedicating it my girlfriend and hoping I somewhat pulled it off the way Heath did in that movie. Again, I think a big part of my attraction to him (besides him being fiercely handsome) is that if I was a guy, I'd want to be like him. Of course I am referring to his characters, but I am pretty certain he brought a lot of himself into those roles. You can't fake that shit - the super cool combination of him being confident, shy, romantic, guarded, sweet, tough...
So I am comforted in knowing that so many of my peers are just as affected by this as I am. Perhaps it is because we can all remember when his career started, because he was only 28, because he had a kid, because he did so much for the gay community through his portrayal of Enis... I did this when River Phoenix died, and Princess Diana too. I may not have had posters of Heath, or had his photo as the wallpaper for my cell phone. But for some odd reason I thought of him this afternoon before I laid down for my nap, something I will never be able to quite figure out.
Anyway, I hope somehow he knows just how much he will be missed.